Keep rolling, rolling, rolling - Weeks 14-16

There is clearly no moss on my little one. Having not really liked tummy time initially she has got more used to it and is now pretty strong on her arms. She actually seems to enjoy to be perched on them and being able to look around at her toys to see which one will be her next playmate. After a couple of minutes she gets tired out so I pick her up to do a different activity before her next nap. I don't do tummy time every single day as some days BB seems more tired than others. However, when I try it again at 15+1 weeks she surprises me with a proper roll from her front to her back. Hoping that it isn't a fluke I place her down on her tummy again and after a few pushes of her arms and slight twist of her body and legs, her whole body rolls over to her back! We are both delighted and she beams a wide toothless grin at me. But whenever I try and get BB to do this again in front of Mr B or others she seems to get stage fright so I decide to try and capture it on film as evidence the next time she looks as if she might do another flip.

At 15+5 weeks BB also surprises me with her first proper laugh. I was hoping that this might be on its way as she had done a half giggle just after a feed a week or so previously, but hadn't developed it any further so I was starting to doubt myself as to whether it had actually happened. But this one was a definite throaty laugh having done a bit of dancing on her back on her play mat, waving her arms and legs around (copying her mother who was prancing around the living room). This leads to many attempts at making BB laugh again by trying out various silly dances but it seems that none are quite as funny as the original. I'll just have to find something else which she'll find even more hilarious!

The laughter was a lovely moment, which has counteracted the first signs of teething. BB has had a few sporadic days of drooling, rosy cheeks, sucking on her fists (or anything else she can get her little puds on) and a few wails. When I mentioned this to the Health Visitor last time I saw her she said that it was a bit early for BB to be teething. But the signs are clearly there, that there is movement beneath those pink gums! I am hoping it wont be too long or too painful for her before the first bright white tooth pops up - teethers have been ordered for the ready.

One thing I wasn't quite prepared for after the birth was the extent of hair loss that I would have. This only started a few weeks ago but it is literally coming out in clumps, especially when I am washing it or brushing it. I am loosing so much hair that Mr B keeps finding it around the house and asks me to clear it up on a daily basis – a bit difficult to do when picking up hair from the floor isn't really a top priority right now! I'm sure there must be something that could be done with all this hair – I wonder if there would be a market for using it to make wigs??

I have started to get back into my normal clothes, well, I have been able to fit into my trousers for a while now (although I didn't even try my normal jeans for some weeks after the birth and when I first did I couldn't even get them over my thighs! Very demoralising!), but my tops have been a bit tricky as I am still breastfeeding. I have found that the selection of nursing tops out there isn't great and speaking to other breastfeeding mums it seems that everyone has there own way of coping, some don't have any problem with their normal baggier tops and just pop their little ones underneath (BB doesn't like to have her face covered so this is a no go for me - nor is using a sling to keep everything covered for the same reason), some use a double layer of tops so that their stomach is covered whilst they pull down the second layer down and top layer up for easy access to their nursing bra, some use a scarf or the like whilst they unbutton their shirt. I still find the logistics of feeding in public quite tricky so try to make sure that I have fed BB just before going out and get home in time for her next feed – this is not always possible so a stop at John Lewis' parent room is often needed! And having heard of the news of the Brighton mum who was verbally attacked for breastfeeding her four month old in public, this really doesn't help my confidence! But her flashmob event did make me smile.

As BB's four month mark is fast approaching I decide to do some research into weaning. Not that I am necessarily going to start this in the next few weeks (it is advised not to start weaning with puréed food until at least 17 weeks if the signs that baby is ready and not until 6 months for solids – although you still have to feed baby either breast milk or formula until at least 12 months as well - but weaning should definitely start by six months as milk on its own wont be enough for the baby's needs at this stage) but I feel that this is quite a major development stage and that I want to get my prep in early. Many mums have recommended the Annabel Karmel books and the usual baby rice, purées and mashed up foods. I have also been recommended a book called Baby Led Weaning, which effectively lets your baby feed themselves – more research is needed...

Finding our feet - weeks 12 - 14

So, the fitness regime is well on its way and gaining momentum with the DVD being used most mornings; the walks are increasing in speed and duration as I desperately search for pavements to take the buggy on around the two local villages; and I have also now added cycling to the mix by using the turbo trainer in the garage to burn off extra calories, which reminds me that I must update the music on my iPod – way out of date!

BB has started to make changing her nappies more challenging as she has now found her feet and keeps grabbing them with her hands. It is hard to be annoyed when she is so happy with herself at her new acquired skill, even when I am in a hurry to get to an appointment. One of which is her last session with the Osteopath, who is happy with BB's progress and discharges her from any more treatment. This is a massive relief, even though BB was coping better with the treatment she still seemed a little unsettled afterwards. But I am glad that we stuck it out as I was sure that BB's birth must have had some affect on her.

After BB's first lot of jabs I felt more prepared for the second lot. She didn't seem fazed by going back to the surgery and was happily sitting on my lap as I talked with the nurse. We were her last appointment of the day so she seemed more relaxed and chatty than last time. She admitted to me that this was the worst part of her job but she was impressed again at how well BB coped with the jabs. Even though there were a few tears, BB recovered well after a good old cuddle from her mummy.

Having made sure that BB didn't have any side effects from the jabs I decide to see the Doctor to get myself checked out also. I haven't been back for myself since my 6 week check-up and I am keen to find out how my divarication is. I am quite nervous as the Doctor checks my stomach, especially as she seems to be taking quite a bit longer than the other Doctors and Health Visitors who had checked it before. As she checks it over and asks me to crunch up so that she can check it further she finally announces that she cannot feel a gap at all. No gap! I am so relieved! I had explained to her the various exercises that I had been doing and she seemed pleasantly surprised with the results. She tells me that what I am doing is clearly working so to keep at it. This news really helps me to turn a corner on my own health and I feel as if I am truly getting back to my old self.

I also finally arrange a catch-up lunch with some of my work colleagues (having had to cancel on them a couple of times before) and then pop into the office afterwards. This was very strange indeed. I suddenly felt as if I had been sciving off and was being brought back to see the headmaster. It was really nice to see everyone and to see that not much had really changed around the office, except for the fact that there was a new person at my old desk!! Thoughts invariably turn to when I'll be back there, and although I still have another eight or so months of maternity leave left I can't quite believe that four months have already gone by.

The magical three month mark - weeks 10-12

Due to the type of delivery BB had, the Health Visitor recommended that BB be seen by an Osteopath. BB had her first appointment at 10 weeks as I was also concerned that she might have had some residual tension or pain in her head from the use of the forceps. Sure enough this was confirmed by the Osteopath (as well as a slight twist in BB's pelvis) who recommended four sessions to relieve this. In fact the Osteopath thought that BB had coped with the tension pretty well by the sounds of it, although I had to admit that it had been quite difficult to put BB down for her daytime naps as as soon as you lie her down she starts crying and that often, when she does have her crying tantrums she does hit her head with her little fists.

The first couple of sessions were pretty tough. My mum came with me to the first appointment and waited outside the treatment room. Unfortunately, BB found the experience quite uncomfortable and cried through most of it and at one point my mum came flying through the door to check on what was happening – Granny to the rescue! It was upsetting to see BB like this but I had been warned that she could react this way. I was told to indulge her over the next 24 hrs or so and to give her lots of cuddles, which of course I did. After the first two sessions BB relaxed into the treatment and after the fourth she was discharged. I do hope that the treatment has alleviated the tension in her head for her and I must say that putting her down for her daytime naps is much quicker and easier now and she doesn't seem to cry half as much as she used to. Of course, this could also be partly due to her simply growing out of it.

On the development side we were particularly excited to witness BB rolling onto her sides. This was at 10 weeks + 6 and we were both there. Mr B had taken the day off from work and had BB on her play mat whilst I was catching up on emails. As he looked away for a second I noticed that BB was on her side. I asked Mr B if he had placed her like this, which he denied. We were both a bit perplexed as BB hadn't really shown much interest in rolling over just yet. So we rolled her back onto her back and played with her a bit more, thinking it might have just been a fluke. But just a few minutes later we both witnessed her rolling onto her other side. We were both overjoyed by this but BB seemed far more chilled out by the whole affair than we were. I was so pleased that Mr B was there to see it too.

Tummy time has never been a particularly fun game for BB but I do try to do it every so often (tummy time is simply putting the baby on their stomach so as to help strengthen their neck – it also helps them to get ready with pushing themselves up on their arms, rolling over, sitting up and crawling). Most of our tummy time sessions are pretty short as BB tends to cry after just a few short minutes but by 12 weeks + 4 I notice she has a much stronger head lift and that she is a generally more confident baby on her tummy.

All our friends who have children told us during the early weeks that once you hit the three month mark everything gets easier. At that time though, three months seemed a very, very long way off and I wasn't sure that we would still be sane by then! But as the days and weeks wore on BB's sleeping pattern did seem to settle more and more. I had got used to waking 2-3 times a night for changes and feeds but at 10 weeks + 2 we had our first night of just having 1 feed. This made a massive difference but we couldn't help but worry a little that BB would be starving!!

A week later we had our first Waterbabies session. BB seemed rather shy at first and would bury her head into me as we sat on one of the chairs watching the class before ours. I think the noise and the new environment was a bit overwhelming at first but once in the water she coped very well. So well in fact that she went on to sleep through the night for the first time! We, of course, didn't. We kept waking up at BB's usual wake up times to check on her and expecting her to wake up for a feed any minute, but she didn't. She was fast asleep, dreaming of what ever babies dream of.

Over the next couple of weeks we noticed that when she did drop off to sleep in her basket her arms would bang onto the sides and wake her up again. She was also able to kick the bottom end, so thoughts turned to putting her in her cot. Our room is not quite big enough to have the cot in with us so this would mean putting her in her own roo. The advice given by the experts is that babies should stay in their parents' room till around 6 months, so we were rather torn. But at 12 weeks we decided to try BB out in her cot and in a Grobag. We allowed some time to settle BB in her room, but as we use it to change her all the time she was already familiar with and went down pretty easily.

Strangely enough, I was more affected by the fact that BB would no longer be in our room and was actually quite happy in her cot than when I try to get her to feed from a bottle. This change of room for her, which she took in her little baby stride, was a massive change and leap for me. I suddenly realised just how quickly BB was changing and growing up.

On the way to feeling like myself again - weeks 7-10

Having had the all clear from my GP at my 6 week check-up, I decide that it is time to try and get back into shape, having only done my pelvic floor exercises (very important!!) and gentle walks since the birth. I put on about 3 stone during my pregnancy (more than I would have liked) and had a massive bump so I know that it will take a while. I lost a stone in the first week (mostly down to BB, waters, placenta and blood) after the birth and a further stone over the following weeks.

I am not into diets at the best of times and whilst I am breastfeeding and looking after BB it is the last thing I want to worry about. So, cutting back on biscuits and upping the gentle exercise is the plan for now. It is recommended that you do not do any running or other strenuous exercises until 5-6 months after the birth as muscles and ligaments are still quite soft and it is easy to cause an injury if you start too soon; but faster walks, cycling and swimming and the like are good. The walks are a good way of making me get out of the house to get some fresh air and do help to try and get BB down for a sleep if she is having a tantrum and refuses to. Unfortunately it does take BB a while to get used to her car seat (I only used the carry-cot part for the first few weeks) so some of walks in the buggy are abandoned half-way through and slings are tested out (the BabyBjorn and Close ones both work well).

I also add a fitness DVD to the mix and go for the Tracy Anderson one. She apparently put on over 4 stone during her pregnancy and she looks pretty amazing! The exercises are mostly floor ones for the stomach (to bring the skin back to the muscles) and then some exercises for the legs and arms. It takes an hour in total and I have been able to time it so that I put BB down for her morning nap, start the DVD and as BB wakes up I put her in her bouncer as I finish the DVD. Some of the stomach exercises are absolutely impossible for me to do the first few times but I stick with it (having one day off of it a week). Slowly the exercises do seem to be getting easier and I am starting to feel better generally. Mr B even comments that I am toning up nicely already, especially in the bum department – result! So the DVD is a success and I decide to stick with it.

Routine or not to routine? There seems to be some debate whether at this stage it is too early to try and get little ones into a routine. However, with the constant feeding and lack of order I do feel that a routine might help BB and me. I try the Gina Ford, The Contented Little Baby Book. Most of what she says does make sense but I do find that the routines are very strict. I try to stick to them as best I can for the first week or two but we seem to slip either an hour ahead or behind the times. Still, it does feel as if we are starting to get somewhere. I decide to only use the routines on a flexible basis and it does help. BB soon gets to grips with when her bedtime is and from around 6/7 weeks she goes down at around 7:00pm which gives us a bit of an evening if we want it. We then rush to have dinner and I go to bed as soon as I am finished (around 8:30pm). BB then tends to wake up at anything between 12:00 and 1:30am for a change and a feed and then again between 3:00am and 5:00am. I tried waking BB for her 10:30pm feed but she wasn't having any of it and seemed to mess up her later feeds so I decide to let her sleep through till when she wakes. It sometimes takes an hour or two to settle her down after her night time feeds, which is plain exhausting, but my body clock soon gets used to it. The routine goes out of the window when BB seems to be coming down with a cold and when she has her first jabs, but it is fairly easy to get back into it and her bedtime still seems set.

Getting ready for outings still seems a bit frantic and I try to limit them as best I can in the first few weeks. But I now feel that I just need to take the plunge. The girls from my ante-natal group have been meeting on a fairly regular basis so I decide to finally join them when BB is just over 8 weeks old. I prepare the water and powder for a bottle just in case I “bottle it” with breastfeeding in public or in case BB actually decides to take the bottle! It is really nice to chat and share experiences with the other girls. Everyone has had their little obstacles to face but they have all been able to stay positive. This helps me to realise that even in the difficult times I can get through it. Finally the time comes that BB wants a feed so I get the water and powder out only for it all the powder to spill on the table! Great! So I have to try and feed her on the breast as discreetly as I can, which I also fail at. So I admit defeat and leave the girls to go to the parent room to do the feed properly.

BB has her first jabs at just over 8 weeks. I know a lot of people get quite anxious about these but I have managed to keep pretty level-headed about them...that is until they are actually given. My mum kindly offered to come with me as moral support but had to leave the room before the nurse even got the jabs out. I am told to sit on the chair and to hold BB on my lap, her back to my stomach, and to hold her hands. She gets one jab in each thigh. After the first one I can feel BB squeeze her hands around mine and she does a silent yelp before the scream comes out. The second jab is quickly given and the cry really comes. I give her a strong hug and walk her around the room to settle her. She has a few tears but she soon settles and I am sooo proud of my brave little girl. We keep a closer eye on her over the following 48hrs and check her temperature every so often but she seems largely unfazed by it all (although I do indulge her with an extra feed and nap after the jabs).

A major plus at weeks 9 and 10 is that BB finds her thumbs! Now, I did try a dummy with her when she first had her crying tantrums but she spat it right out so I gave up on this (plus I was in two minds as to whether I wanted her to use a dummy or not). But luckily she seems to enjoy sucking on her thumbs, which really helps her with self-soothing – this helps to settle her when she feels a bit grizzly and gets her down for her naps much easier.

By 10 weeks I start to feel more in control and more confident in what I am doing. Little achievements like getting a bit of exercise in, getting out and about and meeting up with other mums or even just being able to have a shower without BB screaming the place down makes me feel as if I am doing OK and finally getting to grips with this mothering lark.

Colic, bottles and Chickenpox scare – weeks 3-6

Three weeks in and night times are not totally sleepless but split into shifts of sleep and awakeness. However it is described, my zombie-like state is becoming more bearable and I think my body is simply more used to it now. The next challenge we are faced with though is the wonderful world of colic. Mr B wasn't sure whether this was actually affecting BB but after a visit from the health visitor following my desperate phone call (with the added crying from BB in the background) she was sure that BB's tantrums were due to colic. We opted to use Infacol and after administering it before each feed for a couple of days it finally kicked in and seemed to help BB to settle. We used Infacol for a good few weeks (until about 12 weeks) when BB didn't seem to need it anymore and babies tend to “grow out” of colic at around this time.

At around this time I was starting to get the hang of breastfeeding so I thought I would give expressing milk and storing it for bottle feeds a go. The actual expressing was not as weird as I thought it would be and I luckily seemed to have quite a good let down (the flow of milk from the nipple) so it didn't take too long. I used a hand pump as I wasn't quite brave enough to try one of the electric ones yet. I decided to try BB on a bottle of expressed milk so as to give my nipples a rest and that eventually members of the family could get involved in feeds should they want to. BB took it straight away so I then tried to give her one bottle of expressed milk each day. She didn't always finish the whole feed so I would top her up with a breast feed but I was pleased that she was able to feed from both – luckily no nipple confusion that I had heard from others about. Unfortunately this only lasted a week. BB suddenly decided that the bottle was not her bag and would squirm before it was even put in her mouth. I decided not to force it on her so gave her a break for a few days as I found pouring my unused milk down the drain demoralising. I then tried to give BB some formula – my thinking being that maybe she didn't want to take expressed milk from a bottle when she could take milk from the breast – again she wouldn't take this from me so I eventually asked my mother-in-law to give it a go. BB took half the feed but when given a break for burping wouldn't go back to it. Still, a minor victory! Unfortunately the bottle feeding is still very sporadic and not always successful. I still sterilise the equipment and prepare a fresh load of cooled down boiled water on the off chance that she may take a bottle, and always take a bottle and powder with me when I am out for a long period of time just in case, but I tend to opt for the old boob which BB is more than happy to take.

A new discovery for me is getting our food shops delivered – why oh why would anyone with a baby or children go to a supermarket – or even without children, it is so much easier when you are busy! This truly makes my life easier, especially in the early weeks – although time does have to be taken to prepare the shopping list so a tip - try and prepare the order when baby is napping or try and set this up before baby arrives so that future shops are much quicker to arrange.

One of my neighbours (who has a two year old) invites me to join them at one of the local toddler groups to meet other parents and little ones. This is a fairly small group and most of the children are actual toddlers apart from a little girl who is 8 months old. Rocking BB in my arms and side-stepping the charging toddlers I am not too sure that I or BB are quite ready for this sort of group, but it is still nice to meet some of the local parents. A couple of days later I get a text from my neighbour letting me know that her little boy has got Chickenpox. I immediately wonder whether BB might have caught it and get straight onto the phone with NHS helpline and let Mr B know, who gets more scared than me and states that BB should not be taken to anywhere until after her first set of jabs! I am told that the symptoms of Chickenpox can take up to 21 days to come out so we are on tender hooks till then. Luckily though these don't materialise so we have had a lucky escape!

At the end of week 5 I have a hospital appointment for physio to help with my divarication of the recti. They go through the exercises that I was already told about before leaving hospital after the birth and I am told that my gap has reduced from 8cm to 1.5cm – I am so relieved! However, when I go to my 6 week check up with the GP I am told that it is more like 3cm – still an improvement though!

The first three weeks..."They were the best of times, they were the worst of times"

The words of Charles Dickens: “They were the best of times, they were the worst of times” have been used many times and they seem rather appropriate to me as a description of the first few weeks after the birth. I was truly grateful that BB arrived fairly safely and that she was healthy and well. But, and this is a big but (along with my own big bottom), it was a very dark period for me emotionally and physically. I do not believe that I suffered from post natal depression but I certainly had days that I felt very low and other days which I thought “yes, I can do this”. One of my friends just recently gave birth, about two months after me, and luckily her birth was fairly straight forward and she was allowed home that same day; she even went out for lunch with her partner and baby the following day, something that I just could not contemplate the day after the birth of BB. And this made me realise just how brutal my birth experience had been. My experience is personal to me and many others will have a much nicer experience, and others may have a harder time. That's the thing, no two births will be exactly the same nor will babies. 

In any case, I was so relieved to be back home for our “first night” and for me to be in my own bed. However, with the noise of the other babies in the ward I hadn't realised just how noisy BB was herself with her general mumbles and groans; none of which Mr B had experienced so his first night with BB was a fairly sleepless one. He would reach over me to look into the moses basket asking “Is she alright?” and “Is that normal?” every few minutes as BB gurgled a bit more.

The first two nights we made frantic calls to the hospital as we couldn't get BB to stop crying or settle her to sleep. She would cluster feed all evening till 11pm or 12pm and then wake several times during the night for more feeds. They reassured us that we were doing the right thing by checking that she needed feeding, burping or a nappy change and checking her temperature. I often had to resort to skin to skin (taking all her clothes off and putting her skin next to mine by taking my top and bra off) during these first few weeks - and on very rare occassions now when BB has a real tantrum and can't bring herself back to neutral. In these first few weeks we often used the phrase that BB was a “0-60 baby”. This helped us to make sense of her tantrums that would appear all of a sudden.

Breastfeeding was a real challenge and I made the most of the breastfeeding specialists through my ante-natal clinic. BB just couldn't latch on properly and would slip off after just a few seconds. During a session with one of my “helpers” we tried nipple shields and massaging the breasts but none of this helped. Eventually we realised that I had fairly flat nipples so I tried using a hand pump to bring them out. This really helped and I felt as if I was finally getting somewhere. But, feeding was still pretty painful so I knew that I still hadn't got latch sorted out properly. This led to blistered and cracked nipples and at one point blood was drawn – pleasant! This carried on for some time and was so painful that it would lead me to tears. Mr B would get upset at this and order me to give up but I didn't feel I could yet. I wanted to keep going, and so I did. I was then given a book which changed everything - “what to expect when you're breast-feeding...and what if you can't” by Clare Byam-Cook. It put my mind in a totally different place and I suddenly felt as if I knew what I had to achieve with the breastfeeding. Now, I know many people either do not breastfeed or stop early on for various reasons and I was very close to being one of these people. This blog is not about judging other peoples' experiences it is just setting out my own. I personally do not think it is “bad” to stop breastfeeding and to go on to bottles as long as both mum and baby are happy to do so. What is most important is to do what is right for you and your baby and if you cannot physically or mentally breastfeed then do not beat yourself up about it! Your baby will still be a happy and healthy baby as long as you are, and as long as baby puts on weight. But, and this is another big but, if you do decide that you want to breastfeed then I would recommend this book. I perservered and being on the other side now I am really glad I did. Although, I have since tried to get BB to take a bottle and she will only do so from time to time and others will flatly refuse it!

My memories of these first few weeks are of basically feeling shattered and that it took a while for me to feel vaguely normal again (took a good couple of months). I had to wear compression socks for a week and wear a tubular bandage round my mummy tummy; it took two weeks for my stitches to dissolve and for some time it generally felt uncomfortable to sit down; the wonder of leaking nipples as you get up in the morning (leaky nipples can happen at any time day or night so do find yourself some comfortable breast pads) and the lochia (post natal bleeding which lasted a good 6 weeks for me) all led me to having periods of feeling very low even though I loved BB. Even with that love, which can take moments, days, weeks or months to establish, it was still a very big transition for me going from full-time work, to 6 weeks of waiting for baby to arrive to being a full-time mum and after the first few weeks, essentially spending a lot of time on my own with BB.

During the first couple of weeks I had a few visits from midwives, assistants, breastfeeding specialists and health visitors and I have to say they were a blessing! Some days you just want to have someone there with you so that you can ask all the questions that you think are silly or just have a moan or cry to. I know that every region is different but the health professionals that I have come across from the hospital to the home visits to the my new GP surgery have been extremely helpful and kind. So moral of this paragraph is, if you are at all worried, concerned or just have something on your mind about your baby or yourself do reach out. There are people there to help. And of course family and friends are there too, even if they are just at the end of the phone. If you are feeling out of your depth or are going through a difficult time you are not the only one, trust me! I also found some of the forums on the internet really useful, In particular www.babycentre.co.uk. I have found this website great for finding general information on BB and her development and the ladies in the groups on the forums are all going through the same things as you so it is nice to read or share experiences. I would also recommend that “Your baby week by week” book by Simone Cave and Dr Caroline Fertleman. I have tried to read a few books and quite frankly once BB was here I barely had time to have a shower let alone read a very thick book so this is a good one to dip in and out of week by week and is written in plain English.

I knew that sleepless nights are part and parcel of becoming a parent but no-one could prepare me for the zombie like days ahead – three months down the line as I am writing this I can safely say that it does get better!

Hospital stay

Still in theatre, once the medical team were happy that baby BishBosh (BB) was OK, they put her to my chest. As I was lying down it was a bit difficult to keep hold of her and unfortunately I had a sudden urge to be sick. Nothing to do with BB but, I think, it was simply as a way for my body to cope with what had just happened with the delivery. I have always had a bit of an upset stomach during stressful times so it was not a surprise to me that this was the case now. BB was handed over to Mr B who was promptly told to take her to the delivery suite and to wait for me there. Having been sick, filling up two of their cardboard trays – so glamorous - the team moved me to another bed and changed my gown. I presume, as I could not lift myself up to see, that my original one was now quite a mess. I started to cry as I was on my own with total strangers who were clearly seeing far more of me than I would normally be comfortable with and feeling totally overwhelmed by the recent events. I was then wheeled back to my room in the delivery suite where Mr B and BB were waiting. I was relieved that the birth was over but I did feel somewhat removed from the whole situation and utterly exhausted.

Now that I was back, the midwife weighed BB and did a general inspection before handing her to me to do some skin to skin and to establish breastfeeding. BB latched on pretty well considering I had no idea what I was doing. 

We were allowed to stay in the delivery suite for quite a while longer than I thought we would, which made me feel as if I at least had a chance to catch my breath. I smiled for the new family photos of the three of us, but not feeling at my most photogenic quite frankly. Soon, the midwife who had been with us the previous night and in the early hours was back to start her next shift. She came straight to me and gave me a big hug and kiss. A little overwhelmed by this lovely gesture I smiled and showed my lovely baby daughter proudly to her. 

My bed on the ward was now ready for me and I was swiftly transferred. I sleepily settled into my curtained off room. Mr B helped me unpack before he went back home for some rest. The visiting hours for partners were from 10:00am till 8:00pm. The time in between seemed to stretch out as thinly as humanly possible and I would crave for the time to speed up, not wanting to be left on my own with BB for too long a period for fear of not doing something properly. 

Because of the use of the forceps, BB had two sets of quite severe red marks on both cheeks which looked as if they may not ever heal (they pretty much have now) and because of the pethidine (I'm sure) she had a glazed look in her eyes and was very still. So still that I would check that she was still breathing. So still that when she had her eyes open just looking up at the ceiling that I was sure she was no longer with me and I was scared to check for sure. I was torn between checking her and not wanting to know, so would end up doing both.

For the first couple of days and nights BB did not feed very frequently and would easily go 5-6 hours without a feed – a length of time which the midwives were keen to reduce but whenever I tried to feed her she wouldn't always latch on. I would press my buzzer requesting assistance to feed BB which would inevitably end up with my breasts being manhandled (with my consent) trying to squish my breast into BB's mouth, sometimes successfully, but most often not. I had to resort to hand expressing into a syringe so that my milk could be fed to BB. I was amazed at how little milk came out at first.

In between feeds I tried to rest as much as possible, quite a difficult task with the three babies in the ward crying, particularly at night. The night times were often the worst for me, knowing that I would be on my own, caring for BB, in a room of strangers, and not getting any visitors till at least 10:00am the following morning. 

As I had an epidural I had to have a catheter, which meant that I would have to stay in hospital for at least 48hrs so as to make sure that everything was working properly in that department. Having to carry the bag full of urine to the bathroom in order to empty it several times a day and night, infront of the other new mum's who didn't have catheters, were pretty low points for me. As well as having to deal with the catheter there was the usual post birth bleeding to contend with. This was quite heavy over the first few days and the hospital did provide a few jumbo pads – hence the need for big black knickers in the hospital bag, which everyone advised me to get – but I soon resorted to my own maternity pads. This bleeding did slow up after a week or two and stopped totally at 6 weeks after the birth.

In the end I had to stay in hospital for three nights following the birth, and with the two nights following the inducement I felt as if I had been in hospital forever. Just as I was being checked to make sure that I could be discharged, one of the nurses informed me that I had divarication of rectus abdominis muscle and that the gap was a whopping 8cm. The nurse gave me some exercises to do at home, as well as being reminded to do the old pelvic floor exercises, in order to try and close the gap and gave me a support tube to wear around my stomach. Perhaps naivly I had no idea that this could happen and as I had no symptoms (no pain) I was quite shocked and scared that this would set me back in my recovery, or worse, that the hospital would want me to stay even longer. Luckily, for my sanity, the nurses were happy to discharge me and I was able to go home on the Tuesday afternoon. 

The journey home was fairly surreal, and a little painful to sit in the car on the bumpy journey, but I was simply relieved to be going home. Going home with my lovely little baby.