The first three weeks..."They were the best of times, they were the worst of times"

The words of Charles Dickens: “They were the best of times, they were the worst of times” have been used many times and they seem rather appropriate to me as a description of the first few weeks after the birth. I was truly grateful that BB arrived fairly safely and that she was healthy and well. But, and this is a big but (along with my own big bottom), it was a very dark period for me emotionally and physically. I do not believe that I suffered from post natal depression but I certainly had days that I felt very low and other days which I thought “yes, I can do this”. One of my friends just recently gave birth, about two months after me, and luckily her birth was fairly straight forward and she was allowed home that same day; she even went out for lunch with her partner and baby the following day, something that I just could not contemplate the day after the birth of BB. And this made me realise just how brutal my birth experience had been. My experience is personal to me and many others will have a much nicer experience, and others may have a harder time. That's the thing, no two births will be exactly the same nor will babies. 

In any case, I was so relieved to be back home for our “first night” and for me to be in my own bed. However, with the noise of the other babies in the ward I hadn't realised just how noisy BB was herself with her general mumbles and groans; none of which Mr B had experienced so his first night with BB was a fairly sleepless one. He would reach over me to look into the moses basket asking “Is she alright?” and “Is that normal?” every few minutes as BB gurgled a bit more.

The first two nights we made frantic calls to the hospital as we couldn't get BB to stop crying or settle her to sleep. She would cluster feed all evening till 11pm or 12pm and then wake several times during the night for more feeds. They reassured us that we were doing the right thing by checking that she needed feeding, burping or a nappy change and checking her temperature. I often had to resort to skin to skin (taking all her clothes off and putting her skin next to mine by taking my top and bra off) during these first few weeks - and on very rare occassions now when BB has a real tantrum and can't bring herself back to neutral. In these first few weeks we often used the phrase that BB was a “0-60 baby”. This helped us to make sense of her tantrums that would appear all of a sudden.

Breastfeeding was a real challenge and I made the most of the breastfeeding specialists through my ante-natal clinic. BB just couldn't latch on properly and would slip off after just a few seconds. During a session with one of my “helpers” we tried nipple shields and massaging the breasts but none of this helped. Eventually we realised that I had fairly flat nipples so I tried using a hand pump to bring them out. This really helped and I felt as if I was finally getting somewhere. But, feeding was still pretty painful so I knew that I still hadn't got latch sorted out properly. This led to blistered and cracked nipples and at one point blood was drawn – pleasant! This carried on for some time and was so painful that it would lead me to tears. Mr B would get upset at this and order me to give up but I didn't feel I could yet. I wanted to keep going, and so I did. I was then given a book which changed everything - “what to expect when you're breast-feeding...and what if you can't” by Clare Byam-Cook. It put my mind in a totally different place and I suddenly felt as if I knew what I had to achieve with the breastfeeding. Now, I know many people either do not breastfeed or stop early on for various reasons and I was very close to being one of these people. This blog is not about judging other peoples' experiences it is just setting out my own. I personally do not think it is “bad” to stop breastfeeding and to go on to bottles as long as both mum and baby are happy to do so. What is most important is to do what is right for you and your baby and if you cannot physically or mentally breastfeed then do not beat yourself up about it! Your baby will still be a happy and healthy baby as long as you are, and as long as baby puts on weight. But, and this is another big but, if you do decide that you want to breastfeed then I would recommend this book. I perservered and being on the other side now I am really glad I did. Although, I have since tried to get BB to take a bottle and she will only do so from time to time and others will flatly refuse it!

My memories of these first few weeks are of basically feeling shattered and that it took a while for me to feel vaguely normal again (took a good couple of months). I had to wear compression socks for a week and wear a tubular bandage round my mummy tummy; it took two weeks for my stitches to dissolve and for some time it generally felt uncomfortable to sit down; the wonder of leaking nipples as you get up in the morning (leaky nipples can happen at any time day or night so do find yourself some comfortable breast pads) and the lochia (post natal bleeding which lasted a good 6 weeks for me) all led me to having periods of feeling very low even though I loved BB. Even with that love, which can take moments, days, weeks or months to establish, it was still a very big transition for me going from full-time work, to 6 weeks of waiting for baby to arrive to being a full-time mum and after the first few weeks, essentially spending a lot of time on my own with BB.

During the first couple of weeks I had a few visits from midwives, assistants, breastfeeding specialists and health visitors and I have to say they were a blessing! Some days you just want to have someone there with you so that you can ask all the questions that you think are silly or just have a moan or cry to. I know that every region is different but the health professionals that I have come across from the hospital to the home visits to the my new GP surgery have been extremely helpful and kind. So moral of this paragraph is, if you are at all worried, concerned or just have something on your mind about your baby or yourself do reach out. There are people there to help. And of course family and friends are there too, even if they are just at the end of the phone. If you are feeling out of your depth or are going through a difficult time you are not the only one, trust me! I also found some of the forums on the internet really useful, In particular www.babycentre.co.uk. I have found this website great for finding general information on BB and her development and the ladies in the groups on the forums are all going through the same things as you so it is nice to read or share experiences. I would also recommend that “Your baby week by week” book by Simone Cave and Dr Caroline Fertleman. I have tried to read a few books and quite frankly once BB was here I barely had time to have a shower let alone read a very thick book so this is a good one to dip in and out of week by week and is written in plain English.

I knew that sleepless nights are part and parcel of becoming a parent but no-one could prepare me for the zombie like days ahead – three months down the line as I am writing this I can safely say that it does get better!